welcome Selah!

She's here! 

Selah (pronounced "SAY-luh" - rhymes with Kayla) Lillian Joy arrived on Sunday, June 8 and 8:09 pm via unmedicated VBAC!

Selah is in the Bible (found mostly in Psalm) and means "to pause and think" or "to stop and praise". It's a musical term used after certain Psalms and can also indicate musical interlude. Lillian was my Nan's name (she went by Lee). She is my mom's mom and she passed away while I was 6 months pregnant with Ezra. I always wanted her to see me be a mother but I know I will see her again someday, and she is up in Heaven with our first baby, Peanut. I'm glad we could use my Nan's name in my daughter's name. :)

I know many people are itching to hear her birth story so here it is! If you don't care to read it, just scroll down. There's lots of cute pictures. ;) 

Thursday night (actually Friday morning) I woke up at 3:00 am with a pretty painful contraction. Then another. I timed them and they were completely random - most lasted 45-90 seconds but they were anywhere from 8 to 45 minutes apart. They were painful enough that I couldn't fall back asleep and had to breathe through them, but by 8:00 am, they were gone. On Friday I took a walk which did nothing for my contractions but just made me sore thanks to my SPD. I had a few random contractions that afternoon and by 10 pm they started coming more frequently but weren't getting closer together. Some were strong and some weren't. They lasted all night long and most were around 15 minutes apart so I didn't sleep at all Friday night. Like literally no sleep. I was seriously annoyed and confused. The contractions ranged in intensity but the majority of them were a 5 or 6 on the pain scale... but some of them were an 8. I told Marcus, "If I was at the hospital having these contractions I'd be begging for an epidural right now!" They hurt that bad. Saturday morning by 10 am, they were pretty much gone again. They picked up a bit Saturday afternoon but I definitely just thought it was prodromal labor: they usually started at night, were gone by morning, were irregular and went away once I left my house. Saturday night I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 11:30 to a super painful one. Then they continued allllll night. Marcus and I both got no sleep because I needed him to push on my low back and let me squeeze his hand through each one. They were incredibly painful and I almost couldn't breathe through them without screaming. I tried getting up and walking around, sitting on the yoga ball, laying down... nothing helped. Eventually we both fell asleep sitting up on the couch and I woke up every 10 minutes when I had a contraction. Sunday morning once Ezra woke up, we got ready for church and I texted my mom how our night went and that it was worse than Friday night but that I still didn't have an established labor pattern so it must be false labor. We got to church early on Sunday because we had a meeting to attend. I hadn't had a contraction in about 15 minutes so I figured that the change of scenery by coming to church stopped them, which can happen with prodromal labor. Well, on our way into church I had to stop walking in the parking lot because I had a contraction so painful that I couldn't walk through it. We got to our meeting and Pastor Ben asked how we could pray for me specifically. I told him I just wanted this baby out! And that the goal was a VBAC. His wife and my good friend Sara prayed that our baby girl would come out safely, that I'd be able to have the birth I wanted and that God would have his hand of protection over my labor and delivery and that it would all happen soon! Pastor Ben later told me that he felt that God really just wanted him to pray for me, and not just any prayer but a prayer that God would let take place exactly what I wanted. Sara then told me that there was a group of ladies that wanted to pray for me after church before I left. Marcus said, "I'm hoping we won't be here after church" indicating he hoped I'd be having a baby! We started the meeting and I tried eating a muffin but felt a little nauseous, which I just assumed was because of my lack of sleep and also because real labor could be around the corner and I knew nausea sometimes was a sign of impending labor. While in our meeting I had 2 contractions. I just closed my eyes and squeezed Marcus' hand so that I wouldn't draw attention to myself (there were less than a dozen people in Pastor Ben's office for this meeting). Right as the meeting ended, most everyone left and before I stood up to leave, I had a contraction so painful that tears were running down my face. (Wow, God answers prayer fast!) I told Marcus that I had to go home - there was no way I could sit through church with these contractions and I was exhausted from not sleeping. My mom asked if I wanted to go to urgent care just to get checked to see why they were so painful but so very irregular and to see if maybe I was dilated. I agreed and we left Ezra at church with my dad. Thankfully I had Ezra's overnight bag with us, and even though I did not think I'd be admitted to the hospital, I gave my dad his bag. We stopped at our house before heading over to the hospital to grab my hospital bag just in case. On the ride over, which is just a few minutes, I kept saying how nauseous I felt and my mom said, "usually you feel nauseous when you're in transition!" I told her there was no way I was dilated that much. I expected to maybe be 4 cm dilated, which is 1 more centimeter than my doctor's appointment one week prior. We got there and as we waited for the nurse to come with a wheelchair to take me up to labor and delivery, I realized I hadn't had a contraction in almost 20 minutes and actually felt pretty good, so I felt stupid for being there. We got up to my room, the nurse checked me and said I was already 6-7 cm dilated! I said, "holy cow!" and my mom said, "I told you!" I guess all that painful "false labor" was doing something! We knew then that we weren't leaving the hospital without a baby! It was around 11:00 am at this point. I knew that I was sort of a "first time mom" because with Ezra I was induced and my body never went into labor on its own. Labor with him was 40 hours and I always said that as long as this labor was half of his, it was a "short labor" to me! 

The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and said I could move around if I wanted to but since I was going for a VBAC, I couldn't have anything to eat or drink and I had to have the monitors on me constantly. I also had to have an IV placed because in case I needed an emergency c-section, they wouldn't have to worry about putting one in. They gave me a bag of saline to keep me hydrated since I couldn't drink anything. If I would've known I was going to be admitted, I would've eaten that muffin that morning! Seriously guys... I was SO hungry during labor. I probably said, "I'm so hungry!" 50 times in the next couple of hours. My dad brought Ezra up at about 1 pm because he needed to bring my mom more comfortable clothes. She was still rocking a skirt and heels from church. 

Then the doctor on call came in to meet me. I was impressed with him - he had already talked to my OB and knew I was 3 cm as of last Monday, that I wanted a VBAC, etc. He was friendly and seemed to know his stuff. I originally was worried about attempting a VBAC with a doctor other than my own, and while I would've preferred she be there, I'm glad I had this doctor over one of the other ones. That was totally a God thing that I had this doctor there. The doctor checked me about an hour after I was admitted and said the baby was at a 0 station, I was definitely at 7 centimeters and he broke my water to try to get contractions going stronger. I told him how irregular they had been and he pointed out how "good I was doing" for being at 7 centimeters - and he was right. Some contractions were 10 or more minutes apart and between them I was talking, laughing and trying to pick a good TV show to watch. The nurses changed shifts and the new nurse told me they probably wouldn't check me again until I felt like I needed to push. Little did I know, my mom and just about everyone else thought I'd have the baby within a couple hours because usually once you hit 7 centimeters, you dilate to 10 pretty quickly. 

My contractions started getting closer together - about every 3-4 minutes. I was still able to totally relax in between them and could NOT stop thinking about ice cream and iced coffee. I was still starving! The nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural. I told her I wasn't opposed to one but at this point, I didn't want one because the pain level of contractions was maybe a 7 or 8 and I knew that an epidural could slow my labor down and I didn't want to risk anything interfering with a successful VBAC. She asked me at what pain level I would want an epidural and I just told her I didn't know because I had some contractions even more painful than these ones last night and I survived. She agreed that if I could hold off on getting one, that's what I should do to increase my chances of a VBAC. From that point on, an epidural never even entered my mind. 

Eventually the contractions, even though they were still around 3 minutes apart, were strong enough that in between them I couldn't relax and chat. I had to sort of focus and wait for the next one to come. During several contractions, I prayed out loud in tongues. I didn't know what else to do! I knew I couldn't get through this on my own. The only way I could get through each contraction physically was to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and squeeze Marcus' hands. I tried sitting on the birthing ball to relax but then the monitor would move so they couldn't hear the baby's heart anymore. My nurse was awesome - she would kneel on the ground next to me while I sat on the ball and hold the monitor in place for 15 minutes so she could get a good reading. I went from the ball to standing and leaning on Marcus over and over. Most of the rest of my labor was spent standing with my arms draped on Marcus' shoulders while he sat on a stool. I had to be bent over because of the horrible low back labor. I had back labor with Ezra which we found out was due to his crooked position. I had a lot of pressure and squatting during contractions seemed to help. The nurse told me to let her know if I felt I needed to push. I had no idea what that would feel like because I'd never pushed a baby out but I told her I had quite a bit of pressure so she decided to check me. I was barely at 8 centimeters and I was about 85% effaced. She mentioned that my cervix was posterior, which is something my doctor told me at my 40 week appointment that she hadn't mentioned any previous appointment, but my doctor didn't seem concerned about it. I knew that a posterior cervix could move forward the farther you progress but apparently, usually your cervix is anterior by this point. After she checked me, I couldn't get off that bed fast enough. Laying on my back was the absolute worst feeling. A lot of the rest of my labor is a blur for me... I just know I spent a lot of time swaying my hips, squatting and bending with the nurse on the ground next to me holding my monitor in place. Everyone, especially the nurse, kept having to tell me to slow down my breathing to avoid hyperventilating. It was nearly impossible to relax my body during these contractions at this point but I knew that trying to relax from my head to my toes and "ride the wave" would really help me get through them. Thinking back on it, my contractions with Ezra were pretty horrific, especially due to the back labor and the pitocin making them so strong, but I was also in bed the entire time during labor with him. I had an epidural at 5 or 6 centimeters with Ezra, although I wanted it sooner but my mom reminded me that I wanted to wait to get to at least 5 cm. Somehow these contractions were different. I think without the epidural they were way more painful than contractions with Ezra. I remember rating those an 11 out of 10 - these were at least a 15. But for some reason, I never once thought "maybe I should ask for pain meds or an epidural". I totally think God kept those thoughts out of my head so that I felt strong and didn't risk slowing down my labor. I also never once thought, "Wow it's taking me a long time to get from 7 to 10 centimeters, maybe I'll need a c-section..." but I think that's because I didn't realize that you usually go from 7 to 10 quickly. The nurse did ask me, "at what point would you want to consider a c-section" and I just told her, "...I don't want a c-section." I thought she was just asking because it was part of her job to make sure I didn't want to just give up or because this labor could also take 40 hours, but apparently she was asking because she thought the baby was "hung up" on something which is why I wasn't dilating very quickly. There were a couple more times when I felt like I maybe had to push but she said I was still at an 8. We asked about my cervix and she said it was maybe a little less posterior but she really had to reach under my pubic bone to find it. She said she would try to stretch me to a 9 but since I didn't have an epidural in, it would really hurt and so she didn't do it. She mentioned that due to my back labor, baby may be face up. That was probably the scariest thing I had heard. I was nervous about either pushing out a face up baby without an epidural or having the doctor try to turn the baby face down without an epidural. Either one pointed to a lottttt of pain. She asked when I had last emptied my bladder and I told her that it had been several hours - not since before I left for church. She told me to go because it could help baby drop more if the bladder wasn't holding her up anymore. I went and the next time she checked me, baby was at a +1 station, so it obviously helped. She said I should stay off my back and on the ball to try to get my cervix more anterior. I kept swaying and rocking and squatting, trying to get through the pain. The contractions were getting worse and there were a few that I couldn't keep quiet during - I started yelling at the end of each one without even knowing it. I was getting irritable and didn't want anyone to talk to me where earlier I was much more relaxed. I felt like I had a major attitude with the nurse when she asked me a question but at that point I honestly didn't care (oops!) because I just was in so much pain! She offered to check me again when I yelled through a contraction some time later because she said, "that sounds like pushing!" I really was just hoping to be at a 10 but I was only at a 9. I wasn't too discouraged, probably because, like I said, my labor with Ezra was so long so I expected this one to be long and I was still progressing - all on my own! I was so abnormal to me to go into labor on my own and for my body to just do what it was supposed to do. The nurse said the baby wasn't necessarily face up but that her head was definitely not coming down straight... which either meant face down and crooked or face up and crooked, but she couldn't tell which because my cervix was still posterior so she couldn't quite feel the head well enough. I quickly got out of bed and just keep standing and swaying and squatting and trying to get my cervix to move. I'm not even sure what time it was at this point. The next time I was checked was right before the nurses changed shifts, so around 7 pm. She said I was "9 and a lip" (so just over 9 centimeters) but that I was 100% effaced now. She said she was going to go give report to the other nurses and gave us her number that went right to the phone in her pocket so we could call if I felt like I had to push. I was almost too tired to get out of bed at this point even though I hadn't spent any of my labor in bed. My mom and Marcus were standing by my bed and once the nurse left, I asked if we could pray. My mom prayed that I would just quickly dilate to a 10 so I could push this baby out. I never got past 9 centimeters dilated with Ezra so I knew this would be a hurdle for me. I felt pretty positive that I would get to a 10 but I thought it might take a while. As soon as my mom said, "amen" I yelled, "I'm pushing, I'm pushing!" And she quickly called the nurse. She had only been out of the room for less than a minute and came in and said, "okay, let's check you!" She quickly got a glove on, checked and said the sweetest words I had heard all day: "You're complete, let's push!" I immediately said, "Thank you Jesus!" and before I knew it, more nurses were coming in, my bed was being raised and lights were turning on. I had never gone through this part of labor so I didn't realize how it all worked. They broke off the bottom portion of my bed and lifted my legs up into these rests. I had no idea how to push but they explained that when I had a contraction I should tuck my chin, they would hold my legs, I should exhale, then inhale and then hold my breath while I pushed and the nurse counted to 10, then repeat 3 times and then a 4th time if I had the energy. I started pushing at 7:10 pm which was right at the change of nurses so I don't think my new nurse knew right away that I was a VBAC and hadn't done this before... everything was sort of rushed. I just kept doing sets of 3 pushes and eventually the doctor came in. He came in and out a couple times during the time I was pushing. I had no idea how long I would be pushing for but because I hadn't done it before and I still thought the baby was sideways, I expected hours. After several pushes, Marcus told me he could see that Squirt had lots of dark hair which is what I told him I hoped she had. I asked if I could feel her head and the nurses told me to go ahead. Each time I pushed all the nurses in the room said, "good one!" or something similar which encouraged me that I was doing it correctly and her head wasn't slipping back in between them. The doctor came in as I got closer and basically just watched. He stayed mostly quiet which I liked. I'm glad nobody said, "oh just 4 more pushes and she'll be out!" or anything like that because I would've been discouraged if it took more than that. Towards the end, like the last 5-10 minutes I think, my mom and Marcus told me I was close. Before my last set of pushes I rested for longer than I had been resting between other sets of pushes. I think I was just exhausted. I was using every ounce of energy in me, which wasn't much because I hadn't slept in 2 days and hadn't eaten in 12+ hours. 

At 8:09 pm I gave one final push and felt her head pop out. One nurse told me, "reach down and grab your baby!" so I leaned up and snatched her out as fast as I could and brought her to my chest. We immediately had skin-to-skin contact and I just remember saying, "thank you Jesus!" over and over and then looking at her adorable little face and kissing her and saying, "hi baby girl!" At one point I asked if they made sure she still was a girl and they told me she was. From the moment I laid her on my chest at just seconds old, she was rooting and trying to find food. I still had to deliver the placenta and wasn't sitting up in an ideal position so I tried to nurse her but it didn't work until about 40 minutes after she was born and I was able to sit up. 

[I'll spare you the details but no epidural means you feel everything when you push. They avoid episiotomies which is a good thing and the doctor tried to apply pressure to help me not tear... didn't work. Ouch! During the last push I screamed so loud that I thought the whole hospital could hear me but as soon as her head came out the rest of her body did, too.]

 Once I could sit up better, she latched right on which was a huge relief because Ezra never did well. I had to use a nipple shield with Ezra for 4 months because he just wouldn't latch. I think a lot of that was due to the fact that I had a c-section, an epidural and no skin-to-skin with him until he was almost an hour old. About 10 minutes after she was born, I felt warm liquid running down me and they told me she was peeing on me. Thanks, Selah. ;) 

I can't describe how good it felt to be the first one to touch and hold my baby. I got to pull her out, put her on my chest and I didn't let go until she was over an hour old which is exactly what I wanted. I turned to Marcus and said, "I did it!" 

When they finally took her to weigh her and measure her, she was crying because she just wanted to nurse some more. She was trying so hard to find her hands to put into her mouth. While she was still on my chest, there was a blanket over both of us so I didn't really see her but my mom said she looked bigger than Ezra. The nurse agreed. When they weighed her and told me she was a whopping 8 lbs 13 oz I couldn't believe it! I was convinced she'd be smaller than Ezra because my belly measured so much smaller. They wiped her off but didn't bathe her and gave her to Marcus to hold. They gave her her first bath a few hours later after Ezra, my dad and brother and Marcus' parents got to meet her. 

I can not tell you how different this birth was than Ezra's. I got up just 3 hours after she was born where with Ezra I didn't get up for several hours and it was nearly impossible thanks to my sweet abdominal incision. This recovery has been so much easier. I still have SPD so moving around is still difficult, like lifting my legs and turning in bed (which I'm sure is also due in part to you know, just giving birth) but hopefully my chiropractor can fix me right up and hopefully I didn't damage my pubic joint when pushing. 

I am so thankful for everyone who prayed over this baby and this pregnancy. During labor, my mom was in constant contact with a group of ladies from church (many of which attended my blessingway) filling them in on what was happening and asking them to pray. My mom was more worried than I was. She later told me she just really didn't like seeing her daughter in pain and knowing there was nothing she could do about it. From before I even got pregnant, I told God that I didn't want to get pregnant too soon for me to not be able to have a VBAC. From the time Ezra was born, my mom was praying I could have a VBAC with the next. We had so many people praying that I could have the birth I desired but ultimately praying for a healthy baby and healthy mama. Back in March, I guessed that she would be born on June 8 and I was right! There were several points towards the end of my pregnancy that really made me wonder what God was up to. I know that a lot of people were praying she would be born before my due date so that a repeat c-section didn't even have to get brought up. During all the "false labor" I thought I was having, I was asking God why He wasn't just letting me have the baby already. During all the pain with my SPD that made it nearly impossible to walk sometimes, I wondered, "why me?" The last few weeks of my pregnancy I was so upset every morning that I woke up still pregnant. Everyone tells you to enjoy your pregnancy because you'll miss it, but there was nothing for me to enjoy. I may sound like I'm exaggerating but I was in pain 24 hours a day. Even her hiccups and little kicks hurt. At the end of Ezra's pregnancy, even though I was anxious for him to come, I still enjoyed feeling him in my belly and I loved being pregnant. This time was totally different. The pain of the SPD was unreal and I felt like I wasn't even myself towards the end. I couldn't even enjoy Ezra because I couldn't play with him, lifting him was hard, I couldn't do much around the house, I was irritable and so ready to be done. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, I can assure you I don't miss being pregnant! Maybe after I recover and she starts getting bigger I will, but not now. I have never been so happy to not be pregnant! This pregnancy was just really rough on me. I think it will help me to have a better understanding of other women who go through this and hopefully through my struggles, I can help someone else. I am so thankful that I was able to have my VBAC. God gave me the desires of my heart and even if I had needed another c-section, I know that God is still good and I am still so blessed. Our family feels so complete now.

There will be no more weekly bump updates but I will absolutely update on our little family as we adjust to being a family of 4! Thanks for joining me on this journey of pregnancy and I hope you stick around. :)