31 weeks

There are officially only 9 weeks left until my due date. That's single digits! 

My heartburn kicks in around 2 pm and doesn't leave. It's fabulous. Baby girl is constantly doing somersaults and I feel like she is trying to break out. One minute she's up in my ribs and the next she's cuddled on the right side, which is where Ezra always hung out, too. And then a few minutes later I feel like she's dropped even more. I already feel like 38+ weeks pregnant! I'm actually measuring only 29 cm as of 30 weeks 2 days. With Ezra, my fundal height was always around 2 cm small as well, so maybe she'll be small, too! I sure feel bigger than last pregnancy! Ezra was 8 days late and 7 lbs 7 oz. I'm really crossing my fingers that she'll come early, but if she comes late, I hope she's not huge. I liked Ezra being little. ;) 

Same shirt, much bigger belly! ;)

God is listening... are you?

Last night at the youth group at our church that I volunteer at, we had a guest speaker named Jason Maupin. He spoke about noise. Specifically, the noise in our lives that can drown out the voice of God, such as social media. Sometimes, to hear the Lord speak, there first has to be silence.

Have you ever heard the voice of God? I have. Not an actual audible voice, but the Lord has spoken to me many times. Sometimes, life is so busy that I feel like I haven't heard God speak to me in a while. I feel distant from Him and might even wonder where He is. But I know that God is always there with me. God is always speaking to me, I just have to listen.

Occasionally, a person that I know or am acquainted with but am not close to will pop into my head. For no reason, their name or face will just come into my thoughts at a random time. Or I'll be out shopping and see someone I know and then I'll see them again at random places 2 or 3 more times that same week, even though I haven't seen them in a long time otherwise. I could just shrug this off. I could be so occupied with my own life that I don't even realize that either of these things has happened. But if I would just stop for a moment, maybe I'd recognize that this person has been put in my thoughts for a reason. Maybe God wants me to pray for this person or reach out to them. Maybe God wants me to invite this person to church or fill a need they may have. It may seem so small or irrelevant to me, but when God speaks to me, it's definitely no small matter. 

Sometimes I get an overwhelming urge to pay for the person behind me in a drive-thru. I can pretty quickly recognize that this desire is not my own, because honestly, giving my money away to someone I don't even know is not my first priority! Obviously, God placed that urge in my heart and you better believe I listen and obey. Maybe the person behind me at McDonald's is just trying to get enough food off the dollar menu to feed their hungry children. How sad would it be if I was too busy with my own life to listen to what the Lord was asking me to do, which is the simple task of just paying for the hungry family behind me? 

It may feel like God isn't speaking to you. It may feel like He's not with you during the day, during either your trials or your achievements. But I can assure you, He's there! You just need to turn down the noise in your life, all the voices that don't matter, and listen to Him. 

When Jason spoke last night, he made the point that when you talk to God, He really listens to you. He bends down right next to you and listens to what you have to say. Whether you're asking for something, telling Him how hurt you are or rejoicing in something great that's happened, He's paying attention to what you have to say. Nothing you tell Him is too small for him to care about. God is so big & so mighty but He cares about the small details of your life. And He has a plan for you if you're willing to listen to Him. 

I often ask God to speak to me when I need an answer for something specific. I continue to pray until I get an answer, even if it's not what I wanted to hear. I ask God to either open or shut doors in my life so that I can better understand His will. A passage of scripture may pop into my mind and when I go read it, it's exactly what I needed to read. God speaks to me even when I'm not specifically asking Him to, like when I feel like I need to post a certain verse on Facebook so that the right person can read it and be encouraged by it. I bet if I spent more time in silence and quieted all the nonsense noise in my life, I would see that God speaks to me even more than I realize. 

What is God trying to say to you? God is listening. Are You?

show love.

Do others know that you love Jesus? How do they know?

Is it because you have an "I love Jesus" bumper sticker on your car?

Is it because you post bible verses on Facebook?

Is it because you show compassion, generosity & love to others?

Anyone can grab a bumper sticker from the dollar store and slap it on their car. It's not difficult to share a verse as your status or to "check in" at church on Facebook. Those things don't show others that you're a true follower of Jesus Christ. Love does.

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples - when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34-35

That grumpy cashier at the grocery store that you told to have a nice day - she will remember your smile. That cranky waitress that you tipped 25% - she will wonder why you were so kind for no reason. Your co-workers who seem to be in a bad mood every day of the week - they will wish they knew why you were always in such a good mood.

Pray and ask God to show you ways that you can show love to others. You'll be surprised how good it makes you feel, and you may not even realize the impact you're having on others. When you go out of your way to show love to others, it's likely that they'll remember that for a long time. Even if they never return the favor, even if they don't say thank you or appreciate you, even if they are still full of hate, show love. I love this quote from Mother Teresa: 

Jesus commands us to love one another the way he loves us. Jesus first loved us. He loves us even when we aren't grateful, even when we sin against him, and even when we didn't love him back. Love others in this way! Love is more than just a noun - it's a verb. Love requires action: show love. If you do, there will be people who will wonder how you're always showing love, being uplifting & spreading joy. They will want what you have. They will want Jesus, even if they don't realize it. 

When I die, I want people to know that I was a follower of Jesus. Not because I went to church each week, not because I had bible verses memorized, not because I wore a cross necklace, but because of the love I showed to others. 

75% of the way there!

I hit 30 weeks pregnant today! That means only 10 weeks until my due date. She could be here in 10 weeks!!! Or 11... or 12. ;) Or 8 or 9!

I'm feeling large and in charge lately. My heartburn is only getting worse and I can't bend over to put shoes on anymore. I'm officially past the point of picking things up that I drop. Thank goodness I have a toddler following me around to do it for me!

Until recently, baby Squirt was always looooow. Now I can feel her in my ribs constantly. I could barely turn over in bed last night because I felt like her feet were stuck between my ribs and I would break them if I rolled! I've been having a hard time walking for several weeks now (thanks, Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) and it's not getting any easier as time passes and I grow bigger, as you can imagine. 

I'm excited for Squirt's arrival but also am feeling very unprepared! We haven't even started painting the nursery yet but we will in 3 weeks. I suppose I'm glad that I still have a lot to do - it will keep me busy in the last few weeks! Especially since I'm fully prepared for her to still be cookin' well after my due date. As soon as Ezra was born, I instantly missed being pregnant. I told myself I would enjoy my last few weeks with this baby, even at 41 weeks when I'm absolutely ready to be done. (Easier said than done, right?) ;)

Happy Monday, have a fabulous week! 

the little things.

The other day when I went into Ezra's room to get him out of bed in the morning, he started bouncing up and down as soon as he saw me. I picked him up and he gave me a long hug.

This morning he grabbed his little blanket and held it over his shoulders behind him like a cape and ran around the living room.

This week it was over 40 degrees outside so I got to wear new flip flops.

2 weeks ago at the grocery store, I saw that the spring Oreos with the yellow cream were finally out.

Last week, I made an adorable new wreath for my front door.

It's the little things that can really brighten my whole day.

I recently came across a challenge called 100 Happy Days. The challenge is to find something, just one thing, every day for 100 days in a row, that makes you happy and submit a photo of it. The website says that 71% of people fail to complete the challenge because they "don't have time" to submit one happy thing each day.

Those who successfully finished the challenge reported to be happier at the end than they were when they started, just because they found one little thing to be happy about every day.

You can use #100HappyDays on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter to "submit" your photo every day or you can just email your photo to the site. (You can find more directions on the website.) 

I've noticed that it's been pretty easy to find one simple thing to be happy about each day, whether it's a smile from Ezra or the sun shining through the window. Trying to find 100 different things might be a challenge, though. Obviously my family makes me happy every single day, but I think trying to find a new thing to be happy about each day could really change my perspective and help me realize that I really do have a lot to be happy about. Even if my day has been less than awesome, there's gotta be just one small thing that makes me smile, even if it's just the smell of my coffee brewing or the feeling I get when my head hits the pillow at the end of the day.

Do you think you can have 100 happy days in a row? 

Follow me on Instagram (@chalysek3) to see my #100HappyDays! 

I am blessed because He is.

Last night, my husband and I stayed up late watching every single video we had ever taken of Ezra. It was so awesome to see him as a baby again and remember how he used to act. I have his first time rolling over, first time saying mama, first time saying dada, first time crawling and first time eating on video. I'm so glad that I was obsessed with taking pictures and videos of him (I still am!) because then we can look back on it all. I had almost forgotten what his first laugh and first coo sounded like!

I'm so amazed that God gave us this child. God entrusted Ezra's life to our care and gave us our greatest blessing. I am honored to be his mama. God didn't have to bless us with a child. Instead, he's blessed us with 3 so far. My pregnancy with Peanut was a blessing even though it only lasted 8 weeks. And even though we haven't met her yet, we're so in love with our daughter. What did I do to deserve these amazing children?

I often think about how my relationship with Marcus came to be. I was young, just a couple weeks from my 17th birthday, when we met. I was still a junior in high school, Marcus a sophomore in college. Our relationship progressed quickly. 8 months after meeting, we were already engaged and I wasn't even 18 yet. 10 months after that, I was walking down the aisle to marry the love of my life. Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I knew I always wanted to get married right out of high school and have children instead of pursuing a college career. I never thought that dream would become reality. Only God could have put it all into place to work out the way it did. What did I do to deserve such an amazing husband?

You can be sure that I thank God every day for what He has blessed me with. I seriously love my life! Being a stay at home mom to the greatest little boy in the world and being a wife to a hard working man is all I could ever ask for in this life.

Things haven't always gone our way, though. Just 3 months into our marriage, when we were supposed to be experiencing the joy of our first pregnancy, we lost our first child. Miscarriages can cause tension, questioning and can even tear marriages apart, especially brand new marriages. Thankfully we had so much support from our family, friends & church. We were strong enough in our walk with the Lord to know that He had a plan for us and that His plan was greater than ours. Losing our child brought us closer together as husband and wife. Then just 9 months later, we lost another beloved family member, my Nan. This hurt us both tremendously, we loved her so much. We both were devastated that she would never meet our sweet Ezra.

It's so easy to say that I am blessed when you look at all the wonderful things in my life: my family, my husband's job, our home. It's not so easy to say that I'm blessed when things are hard: miscarriage, loss of a family member, a husband going through a lot of schooling. But am I still blessed in the midst of trials? Absolutely.

God is still God when things in my life aren't easy, and God is always good. I don't deserve the life I've been given. I deserve death, but Jesus died on a cross for me instead. I'm glad I don't get what I deserve, because then I'd have nothing. Some religions believe "what goes around comes around" or "do good and good will be done to you" but I'm glad that that's not how God works. Based on all the sin I've had in my life, "karma" would be kicking my butt if that's how God did things. 

I don't understand why certain things in my life have happened and I may not understand until I get to Heaven, but the Bible says, "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) That's a comforting thing to know! God gives me more blessings than I deserve and even when I feel like things are difficult in my life, I know that I am still blessed. I am blessed because God's plans are greater than my own and He knows what He's doing. Even in my trials, God is still good. He is still sovereign. He is still holy. He is still mighty. I am blessed because He is.

29 weeks!

I swear I don't look this huge in person... or maybe I do?? :( 

Squirt never stops moving, she's constantly kicking and flipping and hiccuping. It's definitely my favorite part of pregnancy, except when she kicks my bladder the moment I lay down in bed.

Her crib set finally arrived in the mail!

The top picture is the comforter, crib sheet & crib skirt. The bottom picture is the "stock photo" from Etsy. 

We will finally start putting the nursery together once busy season is over for Marcus. I think we decided to paint the walls baby pink and do brown or cheetah print curtains. 

I went through all of her headbands (not all are pictured, but she has over 50!) and then made a DIY organizer out of an oats container. It can only hold a few headbands but I can switch them out to display the cutest ones. :)

I love weekends because I get to spend it with my 2 favorite people. Well, on Sundays, anyway. Marcus works all day Saturday during busy season. So glad I have these two in my life!

Check out my Pinterest boards for more baby girl things!

before I was your mama.

Before I was your mama, I didn't know how much I could love a tiny little person. 

I didn't know how much I would enjoy holding you all day long.

I didn't know how much I would love when you opened your eyes in those first, fresh days and looked into mine.

I didn't know how much I would adore kissing your sweet baby face.

Before I was your mama, I didn't know how much joy I would find in just hearing you coo.

I didn't know that you could make my melt just by cracking a tiny smile.

I didn't realize how much you would flip my world upside down.

Before I was your mama, I didn't realize how sad I'd feel putting you in your own room at night at 4 months old.

I didn't think I would have so much fun playing with your toys with you.

I didn't know how quickly you would grow and how bittersweet it would feel.

Before I was your mama, I didn't know the pride I would feel when you first learned to crawl, sit up & roll over.

I didn't anticipate how helpless I would feel when you got your first boo-boo. 

I didn't know that I could find joy in just watching you sleep.

Before I was your mama, I didn't know that your first belly laugh would make me weak in the knees.

I didn't realize that I would be so protective of you.

I didn't think that watching your daddy love you would make me love him more.

Before I was your mama, I didn't realize how much my heart would hurt when I couldn't help you.

I didn't know how much I would enjoy just watching you play, think & try to figure things out.

I didn't think that all your funny faces and behaviors could brighten my whole day.

Before I was your mama, no one told me that there would be times I would want to give up.

I didn't know that motherhood was tiring, hard work.

I didn't think I would pray just for an easy day.

Before I was your mama, I didn't think I would want to give you a sibling so soon.

I didn't realize that you would be so easy to love.

I also didn't think I could love anyone else like I love you.

Before I was your mama, I didn't think I would be so sad when you stopped nursing at 14 months old.

I didn't know that I would want to wake you up in the middle of the night just to read books & cuddle with you some more.

I didn't think I would miss you every single second that I wasn't with you.

Before I was your mama, I didn't know how excited I would get when you first said "mama".

I didn't think that one hug from you could make my entire day.

I didn't know how much I would love it when you gave me kisses.

Before I was your mama, I didn't think I deserved to be your mama.

I didn't think that a little tiny person could teach me about unconditional love.

I didn't know that you would help me to be a better person.

I thank God every day for giving you to me.

Thank you for letting me be your mama and for always loving me.

I love you around the world and back.

You are my joy.

Love, Mama

from the heart of a selfish wife.

Yesterday, a friend shared a status on Facebook from a friend of hers. Here it is:

"I wonder what would happen if we took this approach each and every day, hour, moment... "Do NOTHING (not some things not most things - no one thing) out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in HUMILITY consider others BETTER than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but to the interest of OTHERS."

PHIL 2:3-4

If we all practiced this, the world would be a better place. Marriages would be freakin' amazing, the workplace would totally rock, friendships would be deeper and sweeter, leaders would lead out of love and concern (not boss out of authority), the church would thrive, and children would learn from our example and pass it on to their kids. Well, we might not be able to control the world, but it can at least start in our homes."

We all know that God doesn't want us to be selfish. God wants us to be humble. God wants us to put others first. But how often do we really practice this?

Selflessness is something I've been working on for a while now. In all our marriage counseling, couples events & marriage classes we've attended at our church, one major thing we're taught is to serve your spouse. Pastor Todd, who married us, told us to always try to "out serve" our spouse. We're attending a 4 part video series at church right now (Couple Connection) and one thing we learned the first week was that we should make our spouse our top priority. Our spouse should also make us the top priority. The point is, if I am constantly putting my husband first and he is constantly putting me first, it's a never ending cycle of serving your spouse. But, I should also put my spouse first if he isn't putting me first. I should serve my husband even when I don't feel like it, even when I've put him first in every situation for as long as I can remember, and even if I don't think he deserves it.

From the very beginning of my relationship with my husband, I always admired how selfless he was. If someone asked me to describe him in one word, that was it. He rubbed my feet every time I asked. He would get up to get me a drink from the kitchen even if he had just sat down. He always let me pick where we went for our dates. He never complained about any of it. He wasn't bitter. He genuinely loved serving me. We dated for 17 months before we got married and after we were married, I still adored how selfless he was. No one needed to remind him to serve his spouse, he just did it. Always.

Of course, I loved being served. Who doesn't? I wouldn't say that I was a selfish wife, but I was definitely lower on the "selfless scale" than he was. I still made him dinner and scratched his back and did little things for him to make his day. But I wasn't "out serving" him. He always had me beat, and he didn't even have to try.

Shortly after Marcus and I got married, my grandma ("Nan/Nanny" as I called her) was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Less than a year later, she passed away. She was one of my best friends and was a strong woman of God. I always took what she said to heart. When she was near death, I had some alone time with her. One of the things she told me I will never forget: "Don't take Marcus for granted."

My Nan loved Marcus. Every time she was with me, she would ask about him and tell me how blessed I was to have him for a husband. I know that when I was a little girl, she prayed for a Godly husband for me. I'm so thankful that she was able to meet the man of my dreams, get to know him, and attend our wedding. She bragged about Marcus to people. All of her grandkids' spouses became her own grandkids. She knew what a great husband he was to me, and she knew how much he did for me, never expecting anything in return.

So when Nanny told me, "don't take Marcus for granted" I immediately replied, "I won't." I was obviously thankful for my husband and all he did for me, and I never expected him to do things for me... or did I? Those words have stuck in my heart since my Nan spoke them to me almost 2 years ago. The more I learn about selflessness, the more I'm reminded of what she said and what she meant.

There's so much to love about Marcus. He has many Christ-like qualities. He gives and gives and gives with no complaint, no expectations. He would continue to serve me even if I was a jerk to him, even if I didn't make him dinner, even if I never said thank you. Jesus also gives to us when we don't deserve it. He gives us the gift of grace even though we are sinners. He died on the cross for us even though he never sinned. He gave us the gift of life even though we continually fall short.

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8. Verse 14 goes on to say, "Do EVERYTHING without grumbling or arguing."

Being like Jesus isn't always easy. "Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition." Nothing, really? So when we get in line at the grocery store and a mom with 3 rowdy children gets in line behind us and we can tell she's in a rush, we should let her check out first even though we have a cart only half as full as hers? "Consider others BETTER than yourselves." ALL others? Even those who treat us like crap? "Look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others." So when someone asks for my help but I would rather do something for myself, I should help them anyway? All without grumbling? That all sounds like a lot of work.

Thankfully, I don't have to do it alone. I deserve nothing. I am a sinner. I'm not always selfless or humble. But God is helping me to be better. Jesus died on the cross for me when I didn't deserve it, so I can at least put others before me, right? Yes, even when they don't necessarily deserve it.

God knew what he was doing when he gave me a husband like Marcus. I don't deserve for my husband to treat me so well. If he was more like me and didn't serve me so much, I probably never would've learned the lesson of selflessness. I easily could've thought, "I'll just serve him as much as he serves me" and thought that was enough. I may have never thought that I needed to better myself when it came to serving my spouse, or anyone for that matter. I often find myself thinking, "I wish I was selfless like my husband." That's probably because he resembles Jesus so much in this way. If Marcus can serve someone like me without complaining, I certainly can serve him, too. I can put my husband first in ALL situations, even if I don't think he deserves it. Even outside of my marriage, I can be selfless, even to those who are selfish. I can help others before I help myself. I can be humble.

It may not always be easy. I may forget, I may mess up, but I'm so thankful I have God's grace to cover me.

joy comes in the morning.

How was your day?

Really, how was it?

I get it. Not everything went your way today.

You were running late. You yelled at your children. You forgot to take out the trash. Your husband forgot to run the dishwasher last night. You're being pulled in a million different directions and nobody seems to understand that there's only one of you. 

You feel frazzled. You feel frustrated. You feel worn out. You're just tired. But there is hope.

There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.

That's what God's word tells us. Tomorrow is a new day. 

I love The Voice translation of Psalm 30:5 - "...The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning."

Then in Lamentations 3:22-23 - "...His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning..." 

How awesome is that? 

Your day may not be going as planned. Everything could be going wrong. You may just want to start today over. Well, God says you get to start over tomorrow. Today may have been horrible, but joy comes in the morning. You may have messed up today, but His mercies are new every morning.

It's okay that today wasn't what you wanted it to be. Get some rest. Go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow morning with joy & start again. 

28 weeks!

I had my ever so wonderful glucose test yesterday. Thankfully my awesome doctor let me eat jelly beans instead of drinking the nasty orange drink that tastes like flat, warm orange soda with 3 spoonfuls of sugar stirred in. Fingers crossed that I pass! I failed with my last pregnancy but then passed my 3 hour test with flying colors. :)

Baby Squirt has been moving NON STOP. Her feet are all over, but she prefers to rest them on my bladder and then dance on it while I'm trying to sleep. So sweet of her. ;)

We had a pretty normal weekend. Marcus worked all day Saturday (which he only has to do during busy season) and on Sunday we went to Culver's like we always do. They have an employee dressed up as a giant ice cream cone (his name is Scoopie) and Ezra is always intrigued. Marcus takes him over to see Scoopie but if he gets too close, Ezra starts to cry. One of the Culver's girls gave Ezra this adorable stuffed Scoopie so that he hopefully wouldn't be scared of him anymore.

I think he loved it so much because he thought it was real ice cream... he kept biting it and kissing it. Adorable.

Follow me on Instagram to see more pictures from our weekend! 

@chalysek3

wonderfully made

I have frizzy hair. I have dry skin. I am not a size 0. 

I am selfish. I eat unhealthy foods more than I should. I can be a hypocrite at times.

I am flawed.

I may not have a Victoria's Secret Angel body. 

I may not be the smartest person out there.

I may not be the best wife, mother or friend you can find.

But do you know what I am?

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God made me in His image.

His image is pretty great, don't you think? 

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I think you, High God - you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration - what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day."

Psalm 139:13-16 (MSG)

It seems to me that God put a lot of thought into creating me. He didn't just throw me together and hope I turned out okay. He knitted me together in my mother's womb. Before I was born, He knew me. He sculpted me from nothing into a beautiful creation.

But I am a sinner. I'm not perfect, I mess up. I don't always have it together. I hate the way I look some days. 

I beat myself up over my failures. I focus on my flaws.

That's so unhealthy!

I know that I'm not the only one who does this. As a mom, it's so easy to get down on yourself when you have a bad day. You want to call it quits before noon because you yelled at your kid. You avoid mirrors because you haven't lost all the pregnancy weight and your youngest is 4 years old. You tell yourself that you're not good enough. 

Why do we do this?

The enemy likes to put negative thoughts in our mind. Thoughts that we're not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough... flawed. 

But remember what God says - you are His perfect creation and He loves you!

He made you in His image. He didn't mess up when He made you. You are wonderfully made.

Every time you tell yourself how flawed you are, it becomes easier to say it the next time you mess up. Every day that you wake up, look in the mirror and sigh, it's easier to do the next day. Stop doing that to yourself! How do you think God feels when you tell Him that He messed up, that you're flawed, that you're not good enough?

You know what? It's true - I AM flawed. I am not perfect. I will mess up, I will make mistakes, I will have bad days. But I can get back up, brush myself off and learn from it. I may wake up with messy hair and I may not like the number on the scale.

But I'm just me. I can try every day to be the best 'me' that I can - the 'me' God wants me to be. And when I fall down, I can ask God to lift me back up so I can keep going. It all starts with getting the lies from Satan out of my head. I need to repeat Psalm 139:14 every day to remind myself who I am in Christ. 

Say it with me: I am fearfully and wonderfully made! 

Now keep saying it, over & over. ;) 

Ezra's birth story

Ezra was due on November 20, 2012. I was actually measuring slightly small, but not small enough to change my due date. On Monday, November 26 I went to the doctor for my 41 week visit (I was 40 weeks 6 days). She was not comfortable letting me go past 41 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was showing little to no signs of going into labor on my own. I wasn't dilated at all, not having Braxton Hicks and was only 50% effaced. I was going to schedule an induction for as late as I could to try and let him come on his own, but the only available date in the next week to be induced was that same night. It was sort of scary going to the doctor for a check-up and having her tell you that you'd likely have a baby tomorrow!

So, I went in Monday night. I arrived at 6pm and once baby's heart rate had good patterns, my doctor gave me a dose of cytotec in hopes that it would help me dilate and start labor. I had minor contractions and baby's heart rate was good in the 130's all night. 4 hours after giving me the cytotec, my doctor gave me a half dose hoping to speed things up because I hadn't dilated since the first dose. In the morning around 7 am they started me on a low dose of pitocin and increased it every half hour. I started having more contractions at random intervals but the pain was about a 4. It reminded me of what my miscarriage felt like - super intense cramps. I felt a lot of it in my back (ugh - back labor). My doctor came in around 10 or 11am and checked me. I was 2-3 cm dilated so she broke my water hoping to get things moving. Contractions then became much more intense and I had a hard time breathing through them anymore. The pain was almost all in my back and I could sometimes feel them in my low abdomen too. I had my husband push on my low back while I squeezed my moms hand through each one. The pain was at a 7. Contractions were 2 minutes apart lasting 60-70 seconds. My nurse checked me and I was at a 3. But my goal was no epidural until at least 4cm. This was not easy - pitocin contractions are no joke! A 7 out of 10 for pain and only 3 centimeters? I wanted to die.

A while after, my doctor came to check me and I was 4-5 cm so they called for the epidural. This was 2pm on Tuesday. By the time the anesthesiologist got there my pain was at a 9. My anxiety was majorly kicking in and I kept saying "I can't do this anymore" - I had never experienced pain like this. I got the epidural and had immediate relief. I could barely feel a thing.

A few hours later I laid on my right side to rest and woke up with my right hip in a lot of pain. I then started to feel contractions in my right side again, mostly in my back (more back labor). Occasionally I felt them in my abdomen but each contraction started with a nerve in my hip beginning to pulse. My nurse said the baby was most likely pressing on a nerve. I then learned that each time a doctor or nurse checked me, they could tell his head wasn't perfectly straight and was probably a little crooked in the birth canal but he would probably turn as I dilated more. (Since getting pitocin that morning, I had constant external fetal monitoring and his heart rate stayed in the 130s). My doctor checked me and I was at a 5. A couple hours later I got to a 6 but contractions were really bad again, only on my right side. The epidural completely numbed my left side but only somewhat my right side. At 6pm, my doctor left and the on call doctor came in and checked me. He said I was at 5cm (even tho my doctor said 6cm a couple hours earlier) and that baby needed to drop a lot. (We were just told baby was at a 0 station - this doctor said barely -1... Frustrating.) He said I should be progressing much more than this, that this is "not good" and he expects 1cm an hour and said he wasn't saying I needed a c-section now but that I needed to show progress in a couple hours. I was disappointed - a c-section was the last thing I wanted and so far, my birth plan was not being followed very closely.

Over the course of the night, with every contraction, baby's heart rate dropped a little which isn't good or bad but can cause stress on the baby over time. We had no idea what position baby was in but I still had back labor so we figured he wasn't anterior, but maybe actually sideways. We kept upping my pitocin to strengthen contractions and after 3 hours I got to a 7 but then stayed at a 7 for at least 6 hours! My nurse said baby's head wasn't pressed down against my cervix very well and that could be because his cord was tight around his neck stopping him from dropping. At around 4am, baby's heartrate had a low dip so they had to stop pitocin and give me oxygen to get it back up. My monitors kept cutting out so they really wanted to do an internal one but I wasn't fond of that. My doctor came back at 6:30am (this is Wednesday now) and said I was still at a 7 but could stretch me to an 8 but said his head just wasn't straight like it should be. She said they would start my pitocin back up but if an hour after contractions started I wasn't at a 10, we needed to do a c-section because baby was in a little bit of distress and that meant he wasn't going to descend due to him being sideways. She said if I was at a 10 in an hour, but was pushing for an hour without progress, that was also reason for c-section because that meant his head was so crooked that it wouldn't fit. Then she said if after starting pitocin again if his heart rate dropped again, it meant he couldn't tolerate pitocin and I needed a c-section. Things were not looking good.

So they put a monitor inside me to measure how strong my contractions were to make sure they were strong enough to dilate me so that we could eliminate weak contractions as a problem. They also put an internal monitor on him so they knew for a fact what his heart rate was at all times. My nurse had to stop pitocin about 45 minutes later because his heart rate dropped for 6 minutes. My doctor came back in and said baby was stressed from pitocin and if we waited any longer, we might need an emergency c-section if his heart rate dropped too low and that it wasn't safe to continue pitocin. She checked me again just in case - I was barely 9 cm and only 90% effaced. This was about 38 hours after being induced. I should've had much more progress. I had to have a c-section. I was devastated - I felt like I failed as a mother because a c-section was the one thing I 100% did not want. I knew I could deliver vaginally and that I was made to give birth and that I could do it. But baby said otherwise. The doctor assured me it wasn't my fault but baby just didn't like the pitocin. I cried and cried at the fact that I wouldn't be the first one to hold my son and we couldn't immediately bond like I wanted. It seemed like everything I dreamed of for 9 months flew out the door and everything I wanted not to happen was happening.

After an hour of prep with my epidural and the other OB nurses being called, it was time. My mom was bummed she couldn't be there for his birth but understood that we needed a healthy baby. The time had come - I went in for my c-section. I remember just laying on the table in a very bright, white room, with my arms stretched out on both sides of me. There were a lot of people in the room, but I only knew my doctor and my husband (who was sitting next to my head). Even though I had an epidural in, they put numbing medicine across where the incision would be. Then they did a "pinch test" to make sure I was fully numbed. I definitely felt the pinch on the right side! I told the doctor I felt it and she put more numbing medicine on and waited 10 minutes. She did the test again and I could still feel it. She said something about not having enough time... I can't quite remember, I was so anxious. She began to cut me open - she started from the left and I felt nothing. It felt like she was gently rubbing her finger across my stomach. Then she got to the right side - it literally felt like a knife was cutting me open... because it was! It hurt so bad! I had a hard time breathing through it even with my husband by my side. Five slices later... I could feel them pushing and pulling. It felt like they were shoving all my organs to the side to get to the baby. Those who say c-sections are a breeze... yeah definitely not in my case! This was more painful than my worst contractions. I knew Ezra's head was way down in my pelvis, so they had to really yank him out.

Finally we heard our son's first cry at 10:16am on Wednesday November 28, 2012. It wasn't a loud cry but was so cute. They dropped the curtain to show him to us and then took him to be checked over. His apgar rating was 9/10 which is amazing. He weighed 7 lbs 7 oz and was 20" long. (We all thought he'd be bigger considering my husband and I were enormous babies.) Ezra did not get the Hepatitis B shot at birth or the eye ointment. That was in my birth plan but I was worried that they would "forget" that that was what I requested since I was in surgery. My husband went over by him to watch them weigh him and to make sure nothing was done that we didn't want done since I couldn't see him, and he took pictures, too.

I was so glad he was safe but was upset because the plan was he would lay skin to skin on my chest for an hour immediately after birth and breastfeed and we would delay cutting his cord until it stopped pulsing because that blood is so good for him. I had to just look at him while my husband held him by my face while they stitched me up (which I also felt most of). I remember telling my husband to bring Ezra by my face so he could smell me. It felt like we were just sitting there, enjoying our son, for a long time. One of the doctors offered to use our camera to take a picture of us. 

Then my husband left to tell our family the news, and baby and I were wheeled back to my room separately. I got to have skin to skin contact for an hour and he nursed for 20 minutes. :)

We found out the reason he wouldn't progress and didn't like pitocin is because he is a smart baby! The cord was so tight around his neck that if he had kept dropping it would not have been good. His head also was coming out completely sideways instead of how it should be so he couldn't drop any lower. If I had progressed normally and tried to deliver, it would have most likely been an emergency c-section. My doctor also said these were reasons I had not dilated anymore than I had and why I stayed at a fingertip dilated for 3 weeks before. He just could not come naturally. God knew what he was doing! I now have a better understanding for some women who have c-sections - sometimes it really is out of your control. We tried every single option to get him out vaginally but it just wouldn't happen. It doesn't mean I gave up trying or can't have a vaginal birth with my next baby. He just was a little messed up in my womb! After 40 hours of intense back labor and a roller coaster of emotions, our baby boy was here and healthy and that's all that matters! <3

It's still hard for me to think about my birth experience with Ezra because it was so traumatic to me. I'm thankful I didn't need an emergency c-section because then I would've had to be knocked out and who knows how long it would've taken to be able to see him for the first time. My plan for baby Squirt is to have a VBAC. I've been researching and studying since before I even got pregnant with her. I know that I am a "good candidate" for a VBAC and my doctor did my incision/stitches in a way that makes a VBAC more successful. If I could do it again, I would never again choose to be induced... but that's a post for a different day! 

The day Ezra was born was the best day of my life and I can't wait to experience birth again in less than 3 months! 

New Year's goals.

Well, we're already in the 3rd month of the year. By this point, most people have forgotten about or given up on their New Year's resolutions.

I prefer not to make resolutions each year. I don't know why, maybe because I don't like having to "resolve" something, especially if it's not necessarily "broken". But I do make goals every year.

For the past couple of years, a goal of mine is to read 5 books a year. I'm not a huge reader but once I find a good book, I usually can't put it down. I know that I'm missing out on a lot by not reading, especially when there are so many great books out there. I'm glad I made this goal - last year I read Riven and Blessed Child and both were absolutely amazing. I have yet to pick up a book this year... but I better get going because I won't have much time to fit in 5 books after baby Squirt makes her appearance in just 3 months! 

Another goal of mine for 2013 was to read the Bible every day. My grandma (I called her Nan) read the Bible every day for 52 years. She finished the entire Bible in one year, every year. She passed away on August 13, 2012, so since she could no longer read the Bible every year, my husband and I decided to read the Bible in a year, ending on the anniversary of her death. I'm so glad we did that! 

Every year I set the goal of learning more sign language. I don't know very much, and I feel like I quickly forget what I've learned, but I think it's important to know basic signs. Especially because sign language is helpful for children!

For 2013 I set a goal of getting healthier, drinking more water, and losing weight. Ezra was born in November of 2012 and I pretty quickly dropped my 26 lbs of pregnancy weight, but I wanted to lose more. It wasn't until April and warmer weather came around that I really focused on getting healthier and losing weight. I cut out soda and snacks, started green smoothies and juicing, really paid attention to food labels and tried to eat clean and healthy. I'm proud to say I dropped 35 lbs in just 4 months! ...and then I got pregnant again. ;) My goal for 2014 is to lose the pregnancy weight (plus even more) once Squirt arrives. I'm my best friend's matron of honor in August so that gives me a little over 2 months to try to get in shape after I give birth!

Left: Right after Z was born (Nov 2012) Right: After I lost all pregnancy weight plus 35 more lbs!

I also made more random goals, like making my bed every day, trying to always remember to wash my face each night, keeping the house organized, etc. I make these goals every year and usually stick to them. Also on my list this year is to stick to our budget, be more frugal (couponing, etc.) and being the best mom & wife I can be!

Do you make goals or resolutions? Do you manage to keep them all year or do you start to "forget" or give up after a couple months?

27 Weeks pregnant on my birthday!

Third trimester!

We're officially 2/3 done!

We're in the home stretch. I definitely feel VERY pregnant. Like, can't easily get off the couch, peeing every 20 minutes, out of breath, feeling like I can't get any larger...

but I still have 3 months to go!

It feels like I just found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago but also feels like 2 years ago... I can't tell if this pregnancy is flying by or crawling along.

Yesterday was my 21st birthday! I celebrated this past weekend by going out to dinner with my husband, having cake & pizza with my parents, stopping by my in-laws house (the family was gathered there for a different special occasion - my husband's sister announcing she's having a boy!) and waking up to flowers and treats from my husband on my actual birthday. I didn't get to see him much on my birthday because he works long hours, but I got to end the day at MOPS with some wonderful ladies. It was a good birthday. :)

I'm so excited for this year of my life! Last year, I celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary, got pregnant for the 3rd time and then my baby boy turned 1. This year, our baby girl will be born, we'll celebrate 3 years of marriage and my little boy will turn 2!!! I'm so excited to find out what God has in store for my family this year as we continue to serve Him. 

Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday special - I love you all!