35 weeks - drop it like it's hot.

Whoa baby, 35 weeks! Which means 35 days left! (Actually 34 days left on the day I'm posting this...)

If you look at a picture of me last week compared to this week, baby girl has definitely dropped! 

It's harder to tell side by side, but if you flip back and forth between the two pictures, she's definitely lower. No wonder walking has gotten more difficult! Not to mention sleeping! I've pretty much given up on trying to get a full night's sleep. I can't quite remember at what point in my pregnancy with Ezra that I was getting up at least 5 times a night to pee, but I'd rather be waking up to pee than because of my hip feeling like it's breaking in half. SPD is no joke, y'all and laying on one hip and not being able to move freely in my sleep causes soreness. And then the event of turning over which steals another 15 minutes from my slumber. I'm a walking zombie during the day, pretty much. 

I keep having dreams that she is born early but with my luck, she'll be 10 days late. I promise I'm trying to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy (because the day after Ezra was born I missed being pregnant) but that's really hard when each waking moment is painful. I would appreciate your prayers! This all makes me a little nervous for future pregnancies considering how much worse the SPD is this time. But I am able to carry healthy babies and for that I'm very thankful! 

get back up.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you did everything wrong? Mistake after mistake, you just couldn't seem to catch a break. You tried to keep calm, take a deep breath and move on but you just kept messing up.

I have. It's not fun. It's not easy, either.

Feeling like a failure is probably a pretty "normal" feeling - I'm sure everyone has felt like that before. But I want to let you know that you don't have to feel like that.

If you weren't in the youth group at my church last night (where I volunteer as a youth sponsor), you missed a great sermon. Pastor Ben talked about Proverbs 24:16: "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes." The righteous fall. Not just "bad people" fall, not just fools or those who aren't saved fall... everyone falls. It's bound to happen - you're going to make mistakes. It's what you do next that makes all the difference. You can choose to fall farther down with each mistake until you're down on the ground, or you can reach up to God to pull you back up again.

When you make a mistake and ask God for forgiveness, He forgives you. He doesn't mark down your mistake on a chart, He doesn't add a red X after your name in the book of life, He doesn't tell you that He'll only forgive you if you don't make any more mistakes. 

"If we confess of our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Isaiah 1:18 says, "...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow..."

No matter how many times I stumble, God will cleanse me and make me white as snow. I love that! I don't have to worry that I've done so many things wrong that God loves me a little less than someone who hasn't messed up as much as I have. As soon as I repent, God wipes my slate clean so I can start again. It doesn't matter what I've done. There is no sin that I can commit that's too big for God to wipe clean. I won't be stuck with a red mark on my record forever. Isaiah 43:25 says, "But I, yes I, am the one who takes care of your sins - that's what I do. I don't keep a list of your sins." (MSG). In Hebrews 8:12, it says, "I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more." (NIV). God isn't going to remind me of my past sins when I mess up. He's not going to tell me that he's forgiven me too many times for the same mistake. All I have to do is repent, ask God to forgive me and ask Him to help me follow his will and do better next time. And when I fall again, I just have to reach up to Him and He'll pull me back up before I fall flat on my face. 

34 weeks + nursery update!

I'm getting ahead of myself... I almost typed 36 weeks as the title of this post! Sigh... don't I wish. ;)

This week I hit a whole new level of uncomfortable. I'm officially losing at least an hour of sleep each night due to getting up to pee often and trying to roll over, which results in me being ready for bed by 3:00 pm. I try to sleep with a body pillow behind my back while I lay on one side, and then I use another body pillow between my knees. The pillow behind my back is so that I don't roll over onto my back in the night because if I do, I wake up with horrible pain in my low back and sacrum and I literally can't move without my husband helping me roll over. Even when I do lay on one side, my hip hurts so I have to switch to laying on the other side, which is quite the task. I have to keep my knees together while I attempt to roll over (thanks to Symphysis Pubis Dysfuction, which kicked in promptly at 20 weeks along) but I can't really roll from one side to the other because my sacrum is sore and will possibly slip out, so I have to lift my hips and move them to be able to lay on the opposite side. All of this requires help from my husband, even if I'm just tightly squeezing his hand so that I don't yell and wake up Ezra. Seriously, 6 more weeks of this? I'm just thankful it's 6 and not 10. ;) I guess horrible pelvic/back pain is what I get for barely having morning sickness, haha!

I've also been having pretty uncomfortable Braxton Hicks - actually they're a bit painful! It usually happens if I've been up and moving around too often. And then my feet swell which is just fabulous. Lots of foot elevation and sitting for me this past week! I sort of have a feeling this baby girl will come "early" (before my estimated due date) but I'm also not getting my hopes up, that's for sure! I could very well be pregnant for almost 8 more weeks. Either way, the end is near. :)

This past weekend, we finally got the nursery painted! We chose the color Zephyr by Behr because out of every shade of pink at Home Depot, this matched her crib set the best. 

The walls in the nursery were originally sky blue so we weren't sure that the pink would turn out if we just did pink right on top of it. We ended up doing 2 coats of white paint over the blue and then 2 coats of pink paint. 

Doesn't he just look thrilled to be painting? ;)

We (meaning my husband, mom and mother-in-law) finally finished painting Sunday night and then last night, Marcus assembled the crib. I was so excited to put her crib bedding on and see it against the walls. I absolutely love it! 

We moved the hutch back in and put it in the corner. It will be her changing table once we move all the stuff off it. We ran out of room for shoes so the ones pictured are size 0 and 1 and size 2 are in the closet. 

This cradle will go in our room next to our bed so that she can sleep next to me for the first few months, which makes nursing in the night so much easier! A friend made customized cradle sheets for us since it's an older cradle with an odd shaped mattress.

We still have to paint the closets. We realized that the previous owners only did a half-decent job on the closet paint so they're streaky and uneven. We only found a little bit of the closet paint color in the basement (it's off-white) so we have to get the paint matched so we can buy more to finish them. We also need to get some curtains, but first we have to figure out how we'll hang them. I want to keep the blinds up on the windows but they're installed right where you would install a curtain rod, so we need to get creative. Above her crib will hang her name in big cheetah print letters. It'll be SO cute, but I won't be revealing that picture until she's born because her name is still a secret. ;)

I'm SO relieved to have this huge step completed. Not that I thought Squirt would come before 34 weeks along, but I feel so much more prepared now (even though she won't sleep in there for at least 4 months after she's born). Now I have to get some bins to organize some things on her hutch. I'm so excited that it's all coming together! 

speak life.

I love to talk. When I was a little kid, I never stopped talking (according to my parents). I was a chatter box. Sometimes in the car, I would talk so much that my parents couldn't even comprehend what I was saying so they would make me sit with my hand over my mouth and not talk for the rest of the car ride so that they could hear themselves think for once. I still love to talk! I love having conversations with people, whether it's something deep and meaningful or just about the weather. 

Sometimes, though, I don't think before I speak. There are times when I say something when I should've just kept quiet, like giving my opinion when it wasn't asked for, and there are times that I say the wrong thing altogether.

Do you think before you speak? I saw this acronym on Pinterest and thought it was awesome. 

I catch myself saying things that aren't true, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind sometimes. I'm sure we all do at times. But if you think about it, why would you want to say something untrue, unhelpful, uninspiring, unnecessary and unkind? Who would that benefit?

Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

I love the song "Words" by Hawk Nelson. Here are some of the lyrics: 

"They've made me feel like a prisoner, they've made me feel set free. They've made me feel like a criminal, made me feel like a king. They've lifted my heart to places I've never been, and they've dragged me down back to where I began. Words can build you up, words can break you down. Start a fire in your heart or put it out. Let my words be life, let my words be truth. I don't wanna say a word unless it points the world back to You."

Words really can be so powerful. Have you ever felt hurt, rejected or offended by something someone has said to you? Maybe you've felt judged or angry? A lot of times, it's the things people say that can have the biggest impact on you. They say actions speak louder than words, but that isn't always true. I can think of several times where someone has said something to me that offended me, ticked me off or hurt my feelings. Whether it was intentional or not, it still wasn't fun to hear. 

But the things you say can be powerful in a good way, too. Like the song says, words can build you up. I've been encouraged so many times by the things people have said to me. After miscarrying our first child, there were many people who said just the right thing at the right time to lift my spirits. (There were also people who said offensive and rude things, which could've been avoided if they had just followed the T.H.I.N.K. acronym.) I have some friends who are especially good at encouraging me with their words. My husband is one of those people. He always seems to know just what to say.

If a friend is struggling with something and I just don't know what to say, I know that if I pray about it, God will give me the words. There have been times that I've said something to someone that I just felt like I needed to say, and after I've said it, I don't even know where it came from. I can't remember making a conscious thought about what I was going to say, it just came out of my mouth and made sense. The Holy Spirit definitely helps me with what to say in certain situations. 

I once heard a great piece of advice: before you speak, you should determine why you're about to say what you want to say. Is what you're about to say going to contribute positively to the conversation or are you only saying it to make yourself the topic of conversation? When I'm with a group of friends and someone says something that may relate to me, I really have to make an effort to think before I say something. Do I want to say something so that we're talking about me or do I want to say something to be helpful, inspiring or uplifting? We can do so much good with the things we say as long as we're careful with our words.

I've also heard the advice, "never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut." Proverbs 17:28 says, "Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent." That verse reminds me of Abraham Lincoln's quote.

There are times I really have to bite my tongue. If I speak too quickly, I might say the wrong thing or word something the wrong way. If I speak at all, I might say something unnecessary or speak when it isn't my place to say anything. James 1:19 says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." If someone says something offensive to me, it's easy to quickly say something snarky or rude in reply. If I just wait and calm down, I know I'll have a better state of mind to say something back or to just keep my mouth shut entirely. Have you ever said something you wish you could take back? Once the words are out of your mouth, they're out there. You can apologize for what you've said, but you've already said it. 

I've noticed that when you aren't talking to someone face to face, it's easier to say something that you wouldn't say if they were right in front of you. This usually isn't a good thing. Whether instant messaging, social media or texting, it seems that typing your words while you hide behind a screen makes it easier to say something rude, sarcastic or offensive to someone. When someone is physically there with you, it might be easier to hold back what you really wish you could say in that moment. Maybe that's why cyber bullying is such an issue these days. Whether anonymous or not, it seems that when people say something over the internet, they use less of a filter with their words. Sometimes, though, I prefer to have conversations through text or social media. It gives me time to think over what the other person said, read it a few times verbatim and figure out what I want to say in reply. In person, conversations are usually more fast-paced and it can be easier to slip out something that you maybe didn't mean to say out loud. 

I've learned how important it is to "tame my tongue" and train myself to take a second to think before I speak. I don't want to say something out of anger that I'll regret later. I don't want to lie or say something rude or offensive to anyone. I want my words to be encouraging, inspiring, uplifting, kind and honest. Don't you?

33 weeks!

Only 7 weeks left until my due date! Crazy! It still feels very far away but it also feels super close. I remember back in January when we found out she was a girl, I wanted to get started on the nursery. With Marcus right in busy season at work, I knew we would have absolutely no time to paint or do anything until busy season was done thanks to his 70+ hour work weeks. He told me he would take a few days off in mid April after busy season so that we could paint. Well, today busy season ends! After today, he's taking the rest of the week off. We'll pick a paint color and start painting on Saturday. I'm so excited! I remember thinking that April was way too close to my due date to begin the nursery. With Ezra, the nursery was completely done for a month already at this point in pregnancy. The only thing done in Squirt's nursery is her closet! It's packed with adorable clothes, shoes & headbands!

I will update on the nursery next week once we get the paint on the walls. Then we have to get bins to organize all her accessories, toiletries, etc. and set up her crib. We have to get curtains, too. Plus we have to put her name up on the wall over her crib, but I won't be showing pictures of that until she's born. ;)

I definitely feel 40 weeks pregnant this week. No joke. I feel huge and am fully embracing my waddle. I can barely turn over in bed and I need assistance to get up from the couch. I've been having cramping and what I think are Braxton Hicks for a couple weeks. I experience them daily now. I had none of this with Ezra and was eventually induced, but I have cramping that feels like my very first minor pitocin contractions at the beginning of labor with him. I have no idea what this means, but hopefully it means she is practicing to come out on her own because that's what's necessary for my VBAC! Hopefully she's not practicing too much, she needs to cook for 7 more weeks first! 

Happy tax day!

Ezrasaurus

Every parent loves to talk about their kid, so that's what I'm going to do. If you don't care to read about the most adorable little boy on the planet, you can just skip this post. ;)

Ezra is growing up waaaaaay too fast. He's 16 months already! That's practically almost 2. *insert pouty face here* He changes every single day and each day I don't think he can get cuter, and then he does.

He's currently right around 20.5 pounds and 30" tall. He is finally starting to wear size 12-18 month clothes in some brands, but still fits in a lot of 9 month clothes. He has a longer torso so some onesies just barely button, but if I get some that are long enough, they're hanging off his shoulders and are super baggy. But with pants, he's got a skinny waist and short legs so he's still rocking size 6-12 months in those. 

This is Ezra in the same outfit at 12 months on the left and 16 months on the right. (The vest is interchangeable). Still fits exactly the same, signaling that he hasn't grown much since he turned 1. Typical. But look how different he looks! His hair is getting so long and he looks like such a big boy.

He is seriously such a fun little dude. Every morning, he wakes me up by talking (loudly) in his crib over the monitor. As soon as he hears me coming down the hall, he starts bouncing up and down in his crib. I open the door and see him with his messy hair and big smile reaching for me to pick him up. As soon as I do, he lays his head on my shoulder for a while. 

Then once I change his diaper and set him down, he runs to the kitchen and stands by the fridge and signs "milk" until I get him a sippy cup. He takes a long drink with a big "ahhh" to catch his breath after and then goes to stand by his high chair until I put him in. He eats his breakfast in like 12 seconds flat and then throws his arms to the sides and says, "done!" 

Some days he just needs 2 sippy cups.

Then he proceeds to destroy the living room. I turn on Sesame Street (if I'm lucky enough for it to be 8:00 by this time and not still 7:08 like some mornings) and he climbs up the couch (most of the time unsuccessfully) and sits next to me to watch it. He usually plays with his feet absentmindedly or chews on his pacifier. Then he stands up and I have to remind him, "feet first!" to get off the couch and he flops on his stomach and wiggles backwards towards the end of the couch until his feet slide off, then he scoots down until they touch the floor, and he's off. 

Yes, he watches tv upside down sometimes.

We keep all his toys corralled in the corner and the first thing he does is bring me his huge bag of Mega Bloks. It's hilarious to watch him try to carry that thing by the handle on top. The whole way over to me he's whining "ehh! ehh!" because it's heavy and once he sets it by my feet, he says, "peas!" (please) and claps his hand together (his way to sign "please" and "more" but it looks more like a clap). As soon as I unzip his bag of blocks, he knocks it over and then grabs it from the bottom and lifts up so that all 80 pieces fall to the floor. Some days, he'll start grabbing the blocks and putting them together, but most of the time, he leaves them there and runs to get a different toy. And then the blocks just sit there for the rest of the day. He usually trips over them at least twice and I always step on them a few times. But if I put them back in the bag and put them away, he'll just want to dump them out again. Thankfully, at the end of the day he helps put them back in the bag saying, "dunk it!" with every block he throws in. Thanks to his dad for teaching him that one, because clean up is a lot easier. ;)

His favorite toy of all time has to be books. It's not really a toy, but it keeps him entertained. He really likes the books with the buttons on the side that play music when you press them. I, on the other hand, do not like those books. Especially when his favorite one is "Elmo's Christmas" so I hear "Oh Christmas Tree" about 400 times a day, even though it's April. With all his non-musical books, he brings them over to me and opens them up and points to the picture on the page and says, "what's that?" over and over until I tell him what it is. Sometimes, it just comes out as "dat?" which is adorable.

With his numbers books, he only points at the numbers on the corner of each page. The only one he can say is "ten" but if you ask him where the 5 is on a page when there is a 5 and a 6, he knows which is which (most of the time). 

When he reads his animal books, he usually doesn't ask, "what's that?" He just sees the animal and makes the noise that it makes (if it has one). His favorite is puppy because he says "puppy! whoa whoa!" (which is his new way to say "woof woof" - it used to be more of a low, deep voice "woof").

His "quack" and "oink" sound pretty much the same, but he can tell the difference so that's all that matters, I guess!  

His new favorite book. He points to all the letters, and the only one he repeats back to me is O. He gets really excited about it and says, "OHHH!" :)

I have kept a list on my phone of every word he's said (meaning used it at least 3 different times in the correct context) and the count is currently 74, which includes the 11 different animal noises he makes. Not including animal noises, he uses about 45 of these words regularly. He is pretty much always talking, which is how I was as a kid and I'm pretty sure my parents didn't appreciate it. ;) 

He can also point out 8 body parts on himself (head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, belly, feet, toes) and he can find hair and nose on another person. And he can also find my tummy since I'm pregnant. If you ask him, "what's in mama's tummy?" he will pat it a few times and say "baybay, baybay" or "ssssssisser". Every morning when I lay him on the changing table, he immediately pats my tummy and says baby. He'll even kiss it if you ask him to. Melts my heart. 

He has pretty much always loved to dance when he hears music. Since about 10 months old, he would bob his head up and down (which ended up with his whole body bobbing) when you asked him to dance or when he heard a song he liked. Then it turned into tilting his head side to side, and now he does "the twist" sometimes. Another favorite thing to do is spin in circles over and over on the living room floor until he gets dizzy and falls over. Then he laughs, gets up, and does it again. 

He waves bye bye and gives open mouth kisses on command, which I'm sure I'll miss when he learns to kiss properly. When you ask him for a hug, he'll lay his head on your shoulder. He also recently learned how to blow kisses (even though it looks a lot like he's signing "thank you") and can also say other things in sign language. Like I mentioned earlier, he signs "please" and "more" but both are the same sign (so he's doing "please" incorrectly, but he always says "peas" when he does it so we know what he means). He signs "grandpa" but is actually signing "dad" because "grandpa" is too difficult. He says Gram out loud (which is what he calls my mom) but won't say anything when you ask him to say Gramps (what he calls my dad) so we just taught him the sign for it. He signs "milk" and "no" which is my personal favorite because if we say "no no!" to him while signing it, he says "no no!" back while signing. It's so freaking cute. He signs "sorry" when you ask him to but I'm not positive that he knows what it actually means yet. He is constantly learning new things. It's amazing. 

His hair is getting really long. Marcus is not a fan. Usually when he wakes up, it's super messy and sticking up everywhere, but once I wet it down with water, it's pretty cute! It naturally sways to one side and if you look from the back, it looks like it's growing in a circle. The back is getting longer and is starting to curl. Marcus keeps asking when I'm going to get his hair trimmed but I think I've convinced him to let it grow out this summer to see how it looks once it's longer (we're kind of stuck in an awkward growing phase) and if he doesn't like it, we'll keep it short. Marcus thinks that toddler boys with long hair are mistaken for girls (which happens with Ezra even when his hair is super short - people say it's because of his beautiful blue eyes) so he would prefer it shorter. We'll see. ;) 

Two of his most recent favorite things are his toothbrush and playing outside. Now that he finally has teeth (he only has 6 and didn't even get his first tooth until after his first birthday) I brush his teeth every night with his Dinosaur Train toothbrush right before his bath. One day, he kept crying in the bath and pointing to the counter and we figured out that he wanted his toothbrush. Normally, when it's time to get out of the bath, I hold up his towel and say that it's time to get out. He stands up so that Marcus can grab him but he cries the entire time because he wants to stay in. But if he is holding his toothbrush when it's time to get out, he just doesn't care about his bath anymore. All is well with the world.

He has 2 toothbrushes that we actually use for his teeth and then an Elmo one for the bath and for him to play with during the day, since obviously it's the best toy ever.

Ever since it's been nice out, we've gone to the backyard as often as possible to play on the swingset. The slide is his favorite. As soon as he reaches the bottom, he stands up, turns around and says "again!" He could go down that thing all day. And now during the day when we're inside, he runs to the door that leads to the back yard and cries and if you say, "do you want to go outside?" he starts nodding and stomping his feet like he can't wait for you to open the door so he can bolt out there. He's like a dog. 

Ezra is seriously the joy of my life. I didn't know I could love someone the way I love him. I can't wait to see how he acts once his baby sister is here. He changes every day and is constantly doing new and adorable things. I love watching him grow but I don't want him to get any bigger! 

are you blessed?

I've been thinking a lot about the topic of God's blessings in our lives lately. I've wondered, what does the Bible say about God's blessings? Who does God bless? Does he bless some more than others? There are so many verses in the Bible about God's blessings and those who are blessed. It can be a bit overwhelming. 

Obviously, I want my life to be blessed by God. Who doesn't? I think sometimes, we expect God to bless us. We think, "I've been good, I bought a coffee for my co-worker last week. Certainly God should bless my life now." Or, "I prayed for this person and brought them a meal when they had surgery. I should receive great blessings now." Have you ever thought something like that? Other times, I mess up and think, "there's no way God will bless my life now." How could a sinner like me deserve God's blessings? 

I looked to the Bible for answers. Here's what I found.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (ESV). 

This verse tells me that all things work together for good. Not some things, but all things will work together for good. But it also says "for those who love God". So if I don't love God, I shouldn't assume that everything in my life will work together for good then, right?

Let's look at more verses.

"Jesus replied, "But even more blessed are all who hear the word of God and put it into practice."" Luke 11:28 (NLT). 

Blessed. There's that word. "Put it into practice"... you can't get much more clear than that. If I obey the word of God, I will be blessed. It's not easy to obey the word of God every moment of my life. I sin daily. Multiple times daily. But the Bible tells me to repent of my sins. It isn't all over when I mess up - I haven't ruined my life or been doomed to a life that's out of God's blessing. I simply need to turn to Him to forgive me and then do my best, with His help, to turn away from my sins. 

"This is what the Lord says: "Be just and fair to all. Do what is right and good, for I am coming soon to rescue you and to display my righteousness among you. Blessed are those who are careful to do this. Blessed are those who honor my Sabbath days of rest and keep themselves from doing wrong. ... I will also bless the foreigners who commit themselves to the Lord, who serve him and love his name, who worship him and do not desecrate the Sabbath day of rest, and who hold fast to my covenant."" Isaiah 56: 1-2, 6 (NLT). 

To me, it seems pretty simple: do what is right and good, commit yourself to the Lord - blessed are those who do this. 

"Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands. Their children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed." Psalm 112:1-2 (NIV). 

I often hear of people complaining that their life is spiraling down and wondering why everything is falling apart. Thanks to Facebook, I can openly read about the lives of people I know on a daily basis. I read a lot of complaints, a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, mostly from my friends who claim to be serving the Lord but are living a lifestyle that is totally not on track with the Bible. These people know what the Bible says about what they're doing, but they do it anyway. And then they wonder why things aren't going their way. Just saying you love God or going to church doesn't make you a follower of Christ. Just picking certain parts of the Bible to obey isn't okay with God.

"So why do you keep calling me 'Lord, Lord!' when you don't do what I say? I will show you what it's like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn't obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins." Luke 6:46-49 (NLT). 

I realize that I probably sound "preachy" right now, but this topic has been on my heart for a while. If certain friends of mine came to me for advice on why things in their life to be falling apart, I would tell them to go to God. I would tell them to read these verses and reflect on their own lives. I know that I want God's blessings on my life, and I know that I need to continually serve Him and follow His word. I can't follow God halfheartedly and still expect to receive His blessings on my life. God wants all of me, not just parts that I'm willing to give Him. 

I definitely don't deserve His blessings, but He gives them to me anyway. 

"We have all benefited from the rich blessings he brought to us-blessings upon blessings heaped upon us!" John 1:16 (TLB). 

I can't imagine where my life would be without God. I'd be lost. I am so thankful that He loves me enough to give me the Bible to turn to as a guide for my life. And I'm so thankful that He blesses me and my family abundantly even though I'm far from perfect. God is so good. 

32 weeks

Well folks, I'm 32 weeks pregnant. That means less than 10 weeks until Squirt arrives. If I had no calendar, I'd say I was 56 weeks pregnant right now. I feel like I've been pregnant forever and I also feel waaaaaay past full term. I feel now at 32 weeks how I felt at my due date with Ezra. Every moment is uncomfortable, including sitting. Thankfully I can usually sleep through the night (I don't have to get up to pee 15 times a night like I did with Ezra - but I'm sure that will come!) and I only wake up a couple times to turn over in bed. Switching sides isn't that simple, people. I have to keep my knees together or I feel like I'll rip in half and I have to lift my hips to be able to turn. It's actually pretty comical.

I had my 32 week appointment today and the doc said baby girl is head down! Yay! One step closer to my VBAC. Squirt likes to hang out on the right side of my belly, which is where Ezra always was. What's wrong with the left side, kids?! I'm always feeling a knee or heel or something sticking out. It's uncomfortable but I know that I will miss it once she is born. 

I'm measuring 32 weeks exactly. Last appointment, at 30 weeks, I only measured 29, so I thought maybe I'd continue that trend like I did with Ezra. But now I'm back to "average" so we'll see what size she is when she's born! Some days I feel like she'll come a couple weeks early, or at least a few days, and other days I feel like she'll never leave my belly. We'll see what happens! 

the grass isn't always greener.

Sometimes I think about my birth experience with Ezra and I get jealous when I hear of people who went into labor on their own right around their due date, had no complications, 8 hours of labor and 2 minutes of pushing with their first child. How come my labor & delivery had to be so difficult?

I know people whose husband are teachers so they only work Monday-Friday, are home by 4 pm every day and have summers off completely. When I'm home alone with my son all day waiting for my husband to get home at 7 pm just so he can kiss our son goodnight and then get on his laptop to do more work even though he's been gone since 5:30 am, I'm jealous of those who get to eat dinner with their husbands every night and have him home on weekends.

When I have constant back pain that is 10x worse when I'm pregnant, I wonder why I can't feel "normal" enough to be active like other people I know, or even just do normal activities without feeling like I'm breaking in half. 

There are many times when I think the grass is greener in someone else's lawn. I catch myself wishing things were the way they seemed in other families. But then I realize that maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. 

Sure, I had a difficult labor and other moms have quick and easy deliveries. But I barely had any morning sickness and other moms threw up every single day of their whole pregnancy.

I may wonder "why me" when I think about our miscarriage, but I know that some other women can't even get pregnant without medical intervention.

I may wish my husband was home more often, but he got a really good job right out of college and it allows me to stay home with our son. Plus, his "busy season" of work only lasts 4 months and then he has regular hours the rest of the year. I often hate that I'm in a lot of pain each day, but I don't have to go to a job out of the home each day. I get to stay home and "take it easy" most of the time. Other moms may have to work to support their families because their husband just got laid off.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sure, there are things I wish I could change, but in the big picture, I have it pretty good. I love my life and the people in it. I may not always understand why certain things go the way they do, but God does. Maybe my "trials" will teach me something later on down the road. I'm sure there are people out there who wish they could stay home like I do, or who wish they had little morning sickness like I had.

We should stop comparing our grass to other people's grass. It's likely that there will always be things that other families have that I wish I had. But if I focus on my own grass, I'll see that it's a lot greener than I thought. 

sunny days.

Over a month ago, I wrote a post about winter blues. I get them pretty bad every year, with this year being the worst yet. I was beginning to think that winter would never end, I'd be stuck inside all year and the sunshine wouldn't ever shine again. We kept getting a few "teaser" days where it was nice enough for flip flops (but you still needed a coat) and then we'd be back to cold & windy.

But finally, the calendar said spring was here. It didn't feel like it at first, but we've finally had some days where it's been nice enough to go outside & play!

Thank you Jesus! Ezra had SO much fun playing outside for the first time in our new backyard on Sunday. He was really intimidated by the grass and leaves at first and started screaming every time one blew at him. Daddy went on the swing with him and he kept saying, "oooo!" as they rocked back and forth. Marcus and Ezra went all over the swing set until we had to go inside. Ezra faced his fears and touched a leaf eventually but I think he's still a little scared. ;) As soon as we got inside, Ezra screamed and cried at the door wanting to go back out. 

Yesterday it was pretty cold in the morning again. But today, we went back out. As soon as I asked Ezra if he wanted to go outside, he said, "yeah!" and ran to the back door. We swung back and forth for a really long time. If it were up to Ezra, we would've kept going. Then we went to the slide and every time Ezra slid down, he smiled and said "again!"

Sometimes when it's the dead of winter, it's hard to think that spring will ever come. Then it finally arrives and I realize how "used to" the winter I had become. Once I see the sunshine, it really hits me how badly I'd missed it! Then the next day is cold and dark again and I feel like it was just too good to be true. But the sun always comes back! I'm so thankful for the spring like weather we've been getting. It's not 80 degrees like it was 2 years ago at this time, but I'm so glad it's not -50 degree windchill. And for those of you who've heard we're getting a few inches of snow later this week, I don't wanna hear it! I'm enjoying the beautiful sunshine today while I have it. :)