who do you rely on?

I'm going to be really vulnerable in this post. You're going to learn some things about me that you probably don't care to know, but I'm hoping that this post will help someone, somewhere, who has dealt with the same thing.

Being a mother to two children has taught me a lot. The last 16 days have been quite a whirlwind. There have been countless times that I have felt overwhelmed, anxious and downright depressed in the past 2 weeks. Overwhelmed because there were too many things going on at once, anxious because I couldn't figure out how to juggle everything and didn't know how to solve all the issues I was facing, and depressed because of a history of it plus postpartum hormones.

If you've ever had an anxiety disorder before, you know what a horrible feeling it is. If you haven't, I hope you never do. Horrifying, irrational thoughts consumed my mind almost 24/7 and it got worse at night. I worried that Ezra had a brain tumor even though he had absolutely no symptoms of even being sick. I worried I would get in a car accident and leave my children without a mother even though that was very unlikely. I worried that our house would be destroyed by termites or mold or a fire. I worried about everything I loved being ripped away from me. My thoughts were so irrational that I feared an airplane would fly into my house, that a hurricane would destroy our town (even though I live almost as far away from an ocean as possible) or that I would die in my sleep due to a rare disease that no one knew I had. I couldn't function properly - couldn't think about anything else, couldn't breathe correctly - all thanks to these debilitating thoughts. I distinctly remember having this exact anxiety for 2 weeks after Ezra was born. My doctor told me it was "baby blues" thanks to postpartum hormonal imbalances and thankfully it only lasted 2 weeks after each pregnancy.

Here's a little background info: I've had anxiety disorder for several years now and medication has kept it in control. The only time I really felt anxious since starting medication was, like I mentioned, for 2 weeks after Ezra was born while my hormones balanced out. Then it went away as quickly as it came. Well, during my pregnancy with Selah I noticed I started feeling anxious again, but it was a different kind of anxious. I wasn't having irrational thoughts but I kept getting this weird "feeling" during normal, everyday activities... a feeling like I was forgetting something. The best way I can describe it is like when you have something to say while someone else is talking and then when you go to talk, you forget what you were going to say and it's so irritating because you just can't remember what you wanted to say! This feeling wasn't quite like that but that's the only way I know how to describe it. It was that mixed with a nervous feeling like you get when you're a kid and your mom says, "I have to talk to you" and your stomach churns because you know you did something wrong and are about to get in trouble. It was a gut-wrenching anxious feeling that I hadn't felt before but I knew it was some sort of anxiety. This feeling would come on in an instant while I was watching tv, folding laundry, talking to someone - it didn't matter what I was doing, thinking about or what time of day it was. This happened almost daily, sometimes several times a day, from about 25 weeks and on during my pregnancy with Selah. Finally, around 37 weeks pregnant I noticed that it didn't happen anymore. I figured this anxiety was related to pregnancy hormones and it would go away on its own. I was right. But then as soon as Selah was born, that same postpartum anxiety I had after having Ezra came rushing back. It was so overwhelming and consuming that I didn't know what to do with myself. Who was I supposed to rely on?

There was my husband, who has been 100% supportive of me from the day I met him. I could cry on his shoulder and spill out how I was feeling and I knew he was there to comfort me and encourage me and try to relate to me. He understood that he couldn't take my anxious thoughts and feelings away but he was there for me when I needed him.

There was my mom, who I could text at any hour of the day with any problem I was facing, whether it be a health issue with Ezra or Selah (there were more doctor visits for the 2 of them in the past 2 weeks than there should be in a whole year) or just to tell her I was feeling overwhelmed. She, having dealt with anxiety herself, tried to say all the right things and reason with me that my anxiety was irrational but sometimes when you have anxiety, nothing anyone says helps you feel better, and she knew that. She would come over and help me with the kids and help me around the house to try to ease my load.

Neither my husband nor my mother could really help with my anxiety. Same goes for my medication. It helped control my anxiety on a day-to-day basis, but I knew this anxiety was different. I prayed that I could just go to sleep, wake up and have it be 2 weeks later so that this anxiety would be gone. Well, I survived the past 2 weeks and my anxiety is gone again, just like I thought.

I know that's a lot of info I just spilled out to you but I hope it gives you a glimpse into how the past 2 weeks have gone for me because I know I'm not alone in how I've felt. Even after turning to my husband and my mom didn't bring me the peace I was looking for. After all, they're human just like me. So, who was I really supposed to rely on?

Jehovah-Jirah - my provider.

Jehovah-Shalom - my perfect peace.

Jehovah-Rapha - my healer.

Jesus was who I had to run to. I mentioned this briefly in my post about Selah being one week old but this anxiety, though it only lasted 2 weeks, consumed my daily life. I was pretty good at covering it up while in public but my mind was constantly thinking anxious thoughts. During these 2 weeks, if I wasn't speaking to someone, I was praying either in my mind or out loud. When I didn't know how to pray, I prayed in tongues. Running to God to help me was all I knew to do and it's all I could do. He is the only one who could calm my anxiety, provide me with a peace that passes all understanding and heal my mind. Once I realized that I needed to rely on God rather than my own understanding, I felt a lot better. I won't lie - my anxiety still hung around for those 2 weeks even after I realized this, but it was a lot more manageable. Once I felt anxious, I turned to my Father first instead of getting worked up and trying to resolve it on my own. I noticed I was able to "keep my anxiety in check" instead of winding up having a panic attack.

Now that 2 weeks has passed, my hormones have settled and my anxiety is gone, I still need to rely on God just to get through the day. Life with 2 kids can be crazy, especially now that my husband is back to work. I'm still human, so of course I still have moments where I feel anxious, like when I'm running late to an appointment and the kids are still in their pajamas, when I realize last minute that I totally forgot to do something, etc. but I wouldn't attribute that to anxiety disorder, I just consider that part of being a busy mom and wife. I'm sure all moms feel overwhelmed at times. When you feel overwhelmed, who do you rely on? I can assure you that relying on anyone or anything besides your Creator won't work for you. You may find temporary relief in turning to your husband, a friend, or even a glass of wine when you've had a crazy day, but no one can offer you the peace that the Holy Spirit can provide. There's nothing wrong with turning to your husband when you feel overwhelmed - in fact God gave you your husband partly for this reason - but I've learned that having your husband lead you in prayer rather than having your husband try to fix your problems usually turns out better. God gave us friends to help encourage us, but also to pray for us when they don't know what to say. When you rely on God first and then use the people He put in your life, like your husband and friends, to help uplift you, I guarantee you'll notice a difference in how you feel and how situations turn out.

This is what I've learned: rely on God first. Don't turn to Him after your friends and family can't help you. Don't turn to Him after you've tried to fix things yourself. Like the saying I used to hear in kid's church: F.R.O.G. Fully Rely On God. FULLY. Put all of your trust in Him. Pray without ceasing. Remember that He holds the whole world in His hands. He is in charge. He knows what will happen before it happens. God wants His children to come to Him. He is there waiting for you and if you run to Him first, I think you'll be rewarded. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

If you knew my Nanny you would know she was considered a "prayer warrior". She prayed constantly throughout the day. She once told me she was in her living room, sitting in her rocking chair, praying out loud, when the phone rang. She audibly said, "excuse me" before getting up to answer the phone, because she was so used to being in constant prayer with God that she excused herself from their conversation before going to get the phone. I'm now realizing why she was always praying. There is such a peace that comes with being in the presence of God. He is always with me but welcoming Him in and talking to Him is so comforting. Plus, I have so many requests I can bring to Him that I feel like I don't have time to pray for everything and everyone unless I am praying all day long. Relying on Him first is the key to finding peace each moment of my day. It took a huge trial of constant anxiety to realize this but I'm so thankful for it.